Shame sucks. It’s seriously one of the most detrimental feelings a human being can experience. Its goal is to cut you off from the rest of the world so that no one else has to see how horrible/disturbed/disgusting you really are. Shame shows itself in red faces, clenched fists, and lacking eye contact.
Guilt, when it’s justified, can be useful. Guilt inspires positive change and keeps us from repeating the same mistakes. Don’t know the difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is feeling shitty about something you’ve done that violates your own moral code. Shame is going from “I did a shitty thing” to “I am a shitty person.” Shame revolves around the idea that there is something inherently wrong with you. It’s triggered by rejection, by ostracization, by embarrassment… any number of things, really.
Guilt promotes forward movement. Shame keeps you stuck and scared and small. Shame prohibits growth.
A few months ago, a friend suggested that I write something about shame. I’ve resisted doing so until now because a.) shame is an enormous topic b.) it sucks and c.) it permeates pretty much every facet of my life, so WHERE WOULD I EVEN BEGIN???!!!
(Caps aren’t appropriate for professional writing, Leif.)
(Fuck you, subconscious parenthetical voice.)
It’s been a few months since my last themeless blog post, perhaps because I’m obsessed with attaching meaning to senseless shit
Last week, I published an article on xoJane that got a hell of a lot more attention than I expected. The story was about my decision to beat up my rapist.
Big Mouth is now in zine form! Each zine will include essays, articles, memoir, song lyrics, and poetry revolving around a specific topic. The first, of course, is sex.
Want one? Fill out the form below and include your address in the comments box. I’ll reply with my PayPal link.
Option 2: You can go directly to my PayPal account by clicking here. You’ll enter your address with your payment and I’ll send the zine ASAP!
I’m selling the zines for $5 to cover shipping and printing. If you can’t afford it, we’ll work something out!
As most of you know, I no longer attend 12-step meetings. When I first told people I was backing away, I made a conscious effort to not offend anyone or talk shit on the program. Okay, well, I’m done doing that. Toxic people and systems encourage the kind of fear I’ve been sitting with — the kind that keeps people silent.
Y’all fucked with a big mouth.
I was sick last night and spent two hours on the following nonsense. It’s exactly what the title suggests. I fucking love shitty 90s music, omg.
The following is the result of me trying to fit a bunch of thoughts about love, sex, and intimacy into a single piece. It came out as a poem… or a list… or something. It’s a quick and probably painless read that dips into things like saying “I love you” too quickly, unfortunate standards around intimacy, and ineffective healing strategies.
Can I plz sleep inside ur skin, bb?
I’ll be your flame.
I’ll be orange and pink bangs outside your
screen door, ir-
Hey dudes. It’s been an exciting week!
My creative nonfiction was published for the first time EVER. You can find it at Narratively, an incredible website that features a new nonfiction essay every weekday. My piece revolves around my prostitution history and **it might be triggering for those with sexual trauma**
Here’s a clip: “I had nothing left. The end of my relationship with Beth and the hiatus from my career exposed me to a hideous truth: I had been trapped in a trauma cycle dating back to my youth. The hands that typed out Craigslist ads, the legs that spread in strangers’ cars, and the mouth that took in wrinkled flesh – those things weren’t mine. They belonged to my past. They belonged to the part of me that still felt voiceless, choiceless, and desperate for something resembling love from men who had none to offer.”
Click here to read the full version!
I’m also the new coauthor of the “More Than Borderline” blog at HealthyPlace. You can find my intro page here and my first blog post here.